This morning when I woke up, I didn’t spend an hour in my bed trying to muscle up the courage to face the day without you.
When I spoke your name, I didn’t feel an overwhelming pain in my gut that made me want to collapse on the floor like I usually do. Our song came on at my work and I didn’t scurry off to the bathroom, holding back tears, like the past few times it’s played within this painful month. Looking at pictures of us didn’t cause my tear ducts to explode, sending tiny waterfalls of woe to cascade down my cheeks. Today I didn’t spend every hour wondering whether or not you’re thinking about me or whether or not you miss me. I had no urge to drive by your house just to see if your car was there. I didn’t even want to type your name into the search bar on Facebook, just to see if something had happened in your life that I wasn’t aware of. I didn’t cry today. I didn’t torture myself with the remnants of our love. I didn’t think about the past that we built together. No. Instead I sang in my car. I danced alone in my room. I ate ice cream. I hung out with my friends. I just lived my life to the best of my ability. Today I felt like me again for the first time in a very long time. I felt alive again. I felt free. I was excited thinking about my future. I was thrilled as I thought about the new and different people I might end up meeting within the next few months. I thought about being loved by someone unconditionally, by someone who would love me more than you ever did, by someone who wouldn’t hurt me in the end. Today I could see the light at the end of this dark tunnel I’ve been traveling through. I never thought I’d see that precious light but today I did and it felt wonderful. You will have your day too. The day where you finally feel a little bit better. The pain is still here, but I feel the slightest feeling of it slowly beginning to fade away. The future is bright my friends and I’m proud to say I didn’t miss you today.
Maybe the majority of your mind is telling you that it’s best that we aren’t together anymore. Most of you is probably thinking that you need to work on yourself and that you can’t do that while being in a relationship. I’m sure you spent a lot of time on whether or not this is the best decision for you to make and you weighed all of your options. You were set on your discovery of us being too fundamentally different and I’m sure you knew that you were going to hurt me a lot by doing so, but the final verdict was that we shouldn’t be together anymore because it’s just better for you this way. Right when I think I have a chance to move forward
And the days soften and sway from their usual black Your sweet embrace haunts my vulnerable dreams And all at once, it brings me right back To the nights I happily surrendered myself And willingly gave you whatever I had To the days my mind spent thoughts on you And just thinking of your presence drove me mad To the midnights I was overcome by belonging to you And your voice in my ear brought out the beauty in me The nights I felt invincibly perfect in your strong arms And knowing this is exactly where I need to be To the early morning hours spent sleeping on your chest Where your breath was my heaven, the place I called home I’d inhale, knowing I’d be safe to breathe in that moment And find solace in the hint of your lingering cologne The beautiful daylight is my sanctuary It is my time to forget, to get away Then the moon is released, showing it’s insidious smile And like children my mind’s demons are at play My panicked world shines light but then crumbles In the light there is an inevitable, hovering black And as the sun disappears I must prepare myself because When I close my eyes, it brings me right back We use to be one. We were a force that was seemingly unbreakable. Everything that was mine I wished to share with you, whether it was a deep rooted emotion, some amazing news or a bite of my food at dinner. You allowed me to become a part of your family and you were welcomed with open arms into mine as well. We were so comfortable with each other, always laughing and pushing each other's buttons. We could tell each other everything no matter how embarrassing or strange. You knew me better than I knew myself. People were envious of us as they watched how we would look at each other with blissful smiles and defenseless eyes.
And then it was all over. Like a light switch; turned off and meant to be in the past. Now I must face the harsh realization that you're not mine and I'm not yours anymore. Now when I look at your hands I feel desperate. I feel hopelessly reminiscent when I see your strong, gentle hands that were once used to lovingly hold my mine or to softly run your fingers through my blonde hair. The hands that you used to explore and experience the tangibility of our love. I watch you talk with those thick, tender lips. The lips that you would look forward to pressing against mine every day. The lips that yearned for my sweet kiss when we were apart for so long. The soft pillows that caressed my cheeks over and over again until I playfully pushed you off of me. That lips that spoke words of passion and romance. Lips used to whisper the heart’s desires into my anticipating ear. Now I see you staring at the wall or the floor, looking for some physical reason to avoid my stare: a crucial attempt to maintain your distance from me. Before your blue eyes soaked in vulnerability, would look at my face and soften at the sight of true happiness. Your light blue eyes that would watch me in every move I made. The eyes that reflected the blue tint of my eyes and the genuineness of my smile. The windows to your soul that looked through the windows to my soul only to discover a masterpiece. The eyes that would widen when we touched or kissed or met one another's gaze. The eyes that could communicate with me, without the necessity of an audible noise. Now they’ve frozen into still fragments of blue pigmentation. I do not refer to you as “you” anymore. You have become “him” to me and to everyone around me. I do not belong to him anymore. I will no longer feel the security of his arms around me with the lingering feeling that everything was always going to be OK. His hands are not mine to hold. His lips are not mine to kiss. His eyes are not mine to gaze into. His heart is not mine to keep. He is not mine anymore. |